Thursday, June 25, 2009


It seems I can no longer be interesting for more than 140 characters at a time.

Friday, February 27, 2009

International House of Nightmares

"Of course it says pancakes on the outside, but there's a LOT more on the inside."
Correct. It's called SKIN-PEELING TERROR.

This slow-motion, nausea-inducing, farty, David Lynch nightmare is now swimming in my skull, its shrill taunts echoing in the darkest recesses of my mind. Sweet Syrupy Jesus, GET IT OUT!

And was that little girl ordering a scoop of butter served on the back of a ceramic chicken? Of course she was.

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Be Seeing You

Patrick McGoohan has died, and that really, really sucks.

Haven't heard of him? That's okay. Now's your chance. 40 years ago, he created and starred in the British television show "The Prisoner."

Often called "Television's First Masterpiece," "The Prisoner" is a 17-episode story about a secret agent who resigns, gets captured, and wakes up in a place called The Village, where there are no names, only numbers. That's the setup. But that's not what the show is about.

It's about the erosion of individuality in an increasingly technological world. It's about identity. And Privacy. And the Cold War. And Hope. And Faceless Government. And Doppelgangers and torture and a million other things and there's a giant white ball that will attack you if you try to escape.

The real beauty of the show, however, is that it's open to interpretation. What is it about to you?

To me, it's about saying "No" to everything and everyone who tries to shut you up, keep you down, push you, file you, stamp you, index you, brief you, debrief you, or number you. Growing up, that was huge. It burned itself into my brain, and for better or for worse, it's there.

I pop "Prisoner" references into a lot of my writing. So do a lot of people. Ever seen Lost? Hugely influenced by "The Prisoner." Tricia Helfer's character on Battlestar Galactica is named after McGoohan's enigmatic Number Six. The Simpsons, The Matrix, Babylon 5, and many others have slipped homages into their work here and there.

It's a hard to find show. It pops up occasionally on Bravo or on a PBS marathon, and the A&E DVDs are criminally overpriced. But if you're into things that are far enough outside the norm to be considered "cult" or "fringe" by folks who have no other way to label something that can't be labeled, seek it out. Find "The Prisoner" and watch it from beginning to end. Avoid all spoilers.

It's not for everybody. It's dense and obscure and sometimes just plain loopy. Number Six is an impenetrable character, but he's meant to be.

Why am I telling you about the Show and not the man? Well, he was the show. He wrote, directed, and had influence in every single aspect of the series. This was what he had to say. "The Prisoner" is his statement. has a brilliant article about him, and I recommend reading it, if you wish to know more about him and about the importance of "The Prisoner."

Be seeing you.

Sunday, October 19, 2008

Be Funny on a New Day. Oct 27, actually!

Remember my last blog post? Of course you do. All you wonderful people read it. Well, we've had to change the date to Oct 27. Here's the updated info:

The Urban Improv Challenge
Monday Oct 27th 8pm @ Chivana
(2340 West 4th Ave : 604-733-0330)

You can join the Urban Improv Facebook group or call 604-733-0330 and sign up for the Urban Improv Challenge today…. or just come watch, that’s cool too.

Thursday, October 09, 2008

Wanna do some improv on Oct 20? Here's how!

Urban Improv is pretty much an institution in this town, going on 10 years. The fine folks at Chivana Resto Lounge have been our gracious hosts for the past 2 years, and we're going to do something special this October 20th.

Normally the Justice Pals (myself, Shaun Stewart, Allen Morrison and others) do the first half show, but we're going to do something a little different. Roman Danylo, star of the hit TV series "Comedy inc." and fresh from a successful tour, sent this my way. I am happily passing it on to you:

The Urban Improv Challenge
Monday Oct 20th 8pm @ Chivana
(2340 West 4th Ave : 604-733-0330)

Have you ever watched improv comedy and thought… “Hell, I can do that.” Well, now is your chance. Sign up to participate in the Urban Improv Challenge and not only do you get in the show for free but you also get two comps for your family and friends. The show will be a series of improv comedy challenges hosted by Roman Danylo. Participants will be eliminated as we go and the audience will choose the winner. What’s at stake? You could win a whopping $25 dollars and the opportunity to play in the second half with a bunch of jaded improv veterans. It’s a dream come true! No improv or performance experience necessary.

So if you are a successful stand-up, actor or accountant and you’ve always wanted to give improv a try, drop us a line. You can join the Urban Improv Facebook group or call 604-733-0330 and sign up for the Urban Improv Challenge today…. or just come watch, that’s cool too.

Just a quick note here... I cut my comedy teeth at Urban Improv. It was the first chance I got to perform for a real audience, and that's something all the workshops and courses in the world can't prepare you for. In the past 2 years, I've done about 500 professional comedy performances, and it all started for me there. I encourage anyone who has ever wanted to give this a shot to come on down on the 20th. It'll be Great Big Fun!


Friday, September 12, 2008

There is a Man From Future!

My second favorite scene from Yor: Hunter From The Future.

My favoritest scene? For that, you'll just have to watch the movie and guess.

Thursday, September 04, 2008

Mandom: The Manliest Thing I Have Ever Seen

Ladies and Gentlemen, I would like to present to you the Manliest Thing I Have Ever Seen... a thing so dripping with Mantosterone that it can only be called... Mandom.

From the strange little Imp working the door, to the ceilings so high that when you throw a shirt into the air it does not come down, to the splashing of the Mystery Substance known as "Mandom," Charles Bronson shows you what it is to be a man. The experience of Mandom has never been more accurately portrayed.

Charles Bronson has a pipe rack. A PIPE RACK for God's sake! I don't think that there's anything more manly (or more Freudian) than having so many pipes that you need a special rack for them.

Except, of course for random shots of Old Stoneface in buckskin shootin' at ya.

Ah, Mandom.

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

Oh... Listeriosa!

I thought you said something else.

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Old Country For No Buffet

Last night, the GF and I went to the magical land of America! Bellingham to be precise. We wound up at the Old Country Buffet, an all-you-can-eat joint located inside a shopping mall. That's right, we didn't even have to leave the mall to have non-stop food shoveled down our gullets! I noticed the daily "special" was all-you can eat sirloin steak. I'm going to say that again: ALL YOU CAN EAT SIRLOIN STEAK.

My meal consisted of the following:

Sirloin Steak
"make-it-yourself" tacos
Mashed potatoes
Macaroni and Cheese

As soon as I filled my plate, I realized that I would be punishing my digestive tract in a way that had not been seen since the ill-advised "1-dollar TV Dinner Night" back in March.

The stuffing had syrup or something in it, and the Salisbury steak broke down in my mouth in a strange chemical reaction. The potatoes were grainy, as expected, and the Macaroni was a weird paste. The tacos were a lot... wetter than they should have been, but the steak was surprisingly not horrid.

Laura had a salad.

I just... I had to stop eating. Wouldn't you?

Then, the all you can eat dessert bar. This is the reason Laura wanted to go in there in the first place (the other reason, of course, was to watch me punish my body). The area looked like it had been hit by a riot, right after a tsunami made out with a hurricane. Also, there was something wrong with the soft serve machines. The "ice cream" glopped out of the dispenser in a way that can only be described as "fecal."

The "fixins" sputtered out of their spouts and just kind of... stained the ice cream.

Laura had cupcakes.

Look at her, she was so excited to chow down on the cakey delight, not knowing what was in store for her after the first bite.

"It tastes like melted butter and death."

She was brokenhearted, scared, and a little enraged. Her reaction was too much for this man to bear. And so was the buffet.

As we carted our bloated carcasses from the restaurant and into the mall, poor Laura nearly tripped over an errant bun. I think that sums up the trip quite nicely.

Let this be a lesson to you: No matter how funny you think it may be to fill your body with eleven pounds of sawdust, corn syrup and sodium, it isn't. If you see an Old Country Buffet in your travels, just keep moving, man. It ain't worth the pain.

Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Fanboys are Ruining The Dark Knight!

Sick of Internet Fanboy Hyperbole? I know I am.

This morning, I was stunned to see that The Dark Knight has rocketed to the top of the IMDB's "Top 250 movies" list. Then the feeling of being stunned gave way to the feeling of "Oh, that's right... fanboys." I then shook my head.

Democracy? No. Mob Rule? Yes. Can 170,000 voters be wrong? Yes. It's called 170,000 voters being wrong. And before you cry "well, that's their opinion, man." It's likely an uninformed opinion.

I love pizza. It's one of my favorite foods in existence. Do I feel it is the greatest food of all time? No. I haven't eaten enough different types of food to make that call, nor do I have an education in the culinary arts that would allow me to discern the finer points of "The Greatest Food of All Time." I simply refrain from making the call (and if I do make such statements, it's for comedic purposes, not a serious analysis of anything).

Even before the movie was screened, people were clamoring to give Heath Ledger all sorts of awards. Not because he was any good, but because he was DEAD. Is Ledger going to become the new Tupac? Newpac? Granted, Ledger was brilliant, but people were saying this stuff before they even saw the movie.

It's about a half hour too long, Batman's voice was ridiculous and forced, and the ending of the film totally lost me as a viewer.

Don't get me wrong, I thought the movie was generally fantastic. I think it might be the best superhero movie so far (this opinion might change over time as the movie digests). And frankly, the movies that I have mentioned here that I feel are better than the Dark Knight are pretty fucking spectacular. It's not like I'm saying that Baby Geniuses 2 is a better movie. The list is pretty solid, and if anyone wants to say something is the "best movie of all time," they'd do well to watch the movies on this list and have a firm grounding in Cinema before opening their big fanboy mouths. All it's going to do is hurt the movie's reputation in the long run. A lot of people are going to expect it to be the Greatest Movie of All Time when they go see it, and are going to walk away disappointed. I already know a few cases where this has happened.

Thanks, fanboy hype. You're wrecking it.

Oh, I'm sure I'll get some nasty words from some people, but that's what I love about moderated comments. They won't show up, so don't bother.

And now, in no particular order, a number of movies that, off the top of my head, are better than The Dark Knight.

The Third Man
The Godfather
The Godfather Part 2
The Empire Strikes Back
Raiders of the Lost Ark
Blade Runner
A Clockwork Orange
The Big Sleep
Citizen Kane
Star Wars
Rebel Without a Cause
Battleship Potemkin
Son of Frankenstein
The Magnificent Seven
The Conversation
Double Indemnity
The Gold Rush
The Good, the Bad, and The Ugly
The Lord of the Rings Trilogy (yes, ROTK had 17 endings, but only orcs needed lozenges)
Back to the Future
The Graduate
2001: A Space Odyssey
The Seven Samurai
Touch of Evil
Singin' in the Rain
Lawrence of Arabia
Sunset Boulevard
Dr. Strangelove